Look Past The Photograph

A friend of mine shared my blog in an online vegan community. One of the first comments came from a woman who couldn't understand why I was barely wearing anything in one of my photos. It was explained to her how bodybuilding competitions work (we build up our muscles, put on suits so that judges can see said muscles and then we binge on Oreos and cupcakes) but alas, I was dressed too inappropriately to represent strong women according to her.

The photo that started it all.
Taken by Ray of Light Photography

This wasn't the first time I saw comments like this. In fact, I used to think like this woman. What changed? Do I still think that what I do is inappropriate, sexist and too sexy? My answer is pretty complicated, but I'll try to walk you through this.

If you showed that photo to me 2 years ago, I would have thought the same thing: Why is this woman wearing a skimpy bikini? Why is she sharing such a private photo to strangers on the internet? This is very inappropriate. I think she is just looking for attention.

I thought this way for 2 reasons, the first being that I was jealous. I grew up being bullied. In elementary, I looked like a boy so kids teased because of that. Junior high was the worst. I was bullied for being fat and ugly. The bullying was so bad that I still suffer from anxiety whenever I go back to my hometown. I am still scared that I am going to run into someone out in public and they are going to beat the crap out of me. It's irrational, I know, but the bullies pushed me to the point where I had to transfer schools. It was that bad.

The comments about my weight caused me to cover myself up. Every day, I went to school and had to look at the popular girls. They wore spaghetti strap tops and their pierced bellies were often exposed. They walked around with a lot of confidence and they didn't take crap from anybody. I wanted to be like them, but I couldn't. I wanted them to cover up so that I didn't feel as badly about myself.

Whenever I saw a photo of a beautiful confident woman, it reminded me that I could never look as good as they do. Instead of finding them inspiring, I thought of some things that the woman could do to make herself less threatening to me. That meant wishing she would dressed more conservatively and didn't put herself out there like that.

The second reason is because of how I was raised. My family is a little more conservative than the average family. I wasn't allowed to wear the spaghetti strap tops when they became trendy. I was not allowed to attend school dances. I started shaving later than most people I knew (well... Nair-ing because I would "regret" shaving my legs with a razor). It was rough trying to fit in because even when I was confident enough to wear what I liked, it was discouraged. Sleeve-less tops and tight tops were "too sexy". Being sexy attracts boys, drugs and trouble. Because I never wanted to rock the boat, I went with it.

When you're raised in an environment where you are lead to believe that short-shorts and bare shoulders attract bad things, you think that everyone who wears less than you do is trying to attract trouble. So I started associating certain styles and activities with negative behaviours and actions. I would label the girls who dressed this way as sluts. Looking back, that's bullying.

If you think I am doing competitions and posting photos of myself for sex and to attract men, I'm not. If that was my goal, I'd probably take my bra off and do some steamy black and white photos of me hanging off of a sexy male torso. I have 3 reasons for getting up on that stage and sharing my photos with the world:

1) To promote veganism. There are still people out there who think that vegans cannot be athletes or they cannot compete on the same level as non-vegans. I want to show people that vegans can build muscle, be healthy and able compete with non-vegans.

2) To inspire people to lead a healthier, fitter lifestyle. I want to show people that with a little determination and hard work, that he or she can be a happier healthier person.

3) To share my journey. I grew up lacking confidence and I was very reserved. I was also beginning to put on weight and had gotten pretty sick. I want people, especially my friends and family, to see how far I have come.

Do I ever think that what I am doing is inappropriate or too sexy? I would be lying if I said no.

In January, I did my first fitness photoshoot. I was super nervous with the idea of having photos taken of me in a sports bra but my coach said I was ready and I was starting to feel really good about how I looked. Doing things like wearing shorts and tank tops to the gym were beginning to feel more natural to me and I was starting to like the parts of me that had always been hidden beneath my sleeves and long pants. I did a fun photoshoot where I flexed my muscles and posed with a dumbbell and I felt really strong and confident. Then, I was asked to roll up my shorts and head over to the stairwell for some different photos. I noticed that the shoot had went from fit and fun to a little more sexy. I started getting a little nervous but I was having a lot of fun so I went with it. After the shoot was over, I realized what I had just done and I started to freak out a little. I kept thinking of my parents. What if they saw these photos on Facebook? Would it be too sexy for them? What are they going to say to me? More importantly, are they going to change the way they think of me?

I got the photos back and one really stuck out to me:

Photo by Ray of Light Photography

Yup. There it is. The sexiest photo I have ever had taken of me. I was mortified... but I was also okay with it. I'm beautiful. I love my body. Why do I need to continue to hide it?

Whenever I compete, I try to think about why I'm doing this. If me being up on stage is going to change someone's mind about veganism or inspire them to live a healthier lifestyle, my discomfort is worth it.

I expected more out of the vegan community. Vegans are the last group of people that I expected to be offended by my body. Health is one of the most popular reasons as to why people consider veganism. We're all aware of the myths out there: you need animal protein to survive and thrive, you can't get enough protein and you cannot be an athlete. As a bodybuilder, I am demonstrating that you can be healthy and athletic without animal proteins, supplements, steroids, fat burners and going to extremes. Most male and female vegan bodybuilders that I admire are doing this in the healthiest way possible. I feel like I have become a good representative of veganism... and you pick me apart because of how I dress? Really?

Next time you see some photos where a person is doing something that you would not do yourself, please think about the person's intent is when they posted that image. They could be in a sport, like bodybuilding. They could be inspiring people live a better lifestyle. Or they could just be really comfortable with who they are and they want to show everyone how confident they are.